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First things first: This section is not overtly graphic. I should make it clear that I only included the word "sexual" in the title of this section so I could get the acronym "ARSE." With that said, the following are descriptions of my various exes, near-exes, should-have-beens, could-have-beens, and would-have-beens-but-somebody-wasn't-single-or-brave-enough-and-that-might-have-been-for-the-best-really. All of the above, as most of my friends know, are fertile ground for mockery and derisive laughter. Sometimes at them, frequently at me. My social skills . . . aren't. Every attempt at flirtation I have ever made has been apocalyptically awkward. You'd think that I'm improve with age, but sadly, I'm as clueless as ever. I figured that if I can't learn from my mistakes, I should post them on the Internet so everyone can laugh at me. That's what it's for, right? Also, I want to address a comment I keep getting regarding my responses to the guys I've described: This is humor, y'all; most of the stories are exaggerated for humorous purposes. Calm the fuck down. Quit emailing me with criticisms of how I should have done such-and-such with whichever guy since it probably didn't happen like I said it did and it's already too late anyway. Every so often some guy will say he was going to ask me out but was afraid of appearing in this section, to which I can only reply, "What were you going to do that would gain you an appearance in ARSE?" These stories are intended as self-deprecating; only the real idiots or jerks get mocked. Also, I occasionally get asked if I'm afraid a guy I like will read this section of the site. I admit I was marginally concerned at first, but since I now consider myself terminally single, I don't worry about it anymore. I have been forced to conclude (albeit reluctantly) that I should quit dating since I'm not interested in the guys who do hit on me, and the guys I do like don't like me. They might act interested at first, but they inevitably disappear. It doesn't matter how great the guy is otherwise or how crazy about him I am; he always disappears. This of course results in a fair amount of angst on my part and a great deal of vitriolic bitching to my friends on instant messenger. In other words, no, I'm not the least bit concerned about what guys reading this will think. Also, I couldn't let this page go without explaining that I Now. Without further ado, here are the most excruciatingly awkward moments of my life laid bare for all to see, in chronological order. Enjoy. That's more than I did. |