ARSE Dictionary

I realized I needed a dictionary for the ARSE section when writing the extremely complicated story of the LARPer. In other words, due to the inextricably intertwined nature of some of the ARSE stories, I decided to create a dictionary for the section to explain the acronyms used in many of the stories. The perhaps at times circular definitions rather necessarily resulted in the expansion of the dictionary to also serve as a condensed version of every single ARSE. Most of the entries in the dictionary are acronyms, which in turn are abbreviations of the nicknames given to each guy featured in one of my stories.

Each ARSE features one guy, though frequently I mention other guys in context. I created nicknames for each guy so as not to list the guys' real names since I would consider that rude, not to mention some of these guys I don't want Googling into my site. Besides, some of the guys' names I never found out.

There are two exceptions in the following dictionary: 1.) I cannot explain what TCR stands for because any less vague explanation than that I have provided would rather quickly divulge his true identity. 2.) The story of The One That Got Away is not listed in the ARSE section, nor is it likely to be. There's no story to tell, really; everyone already knows it.

Anyway, I hope this glossary serves to clear up any confusion regarding which awkward encounter occurred when, and/or who was whom. I realize that my labyrinthine dating history and the even more circuitous overlapping therein can be quite difficult to follow. I created color coded timelines for each section of ARSE, but they are of course only applicable for each section, nor do they sum up each story.

And so, without further ado . . .

Acid Fiend, the—He was a cute guy who introduced himself to me when I moved to Austin in the spring of 2000. First I found out he was a drug addict, then I began dating the Stalker, and then the Acid Fiend dropped out, so nothing ever came of my crush on him.

Algebra II Class Guy (ALGII)—He was in my Algebra II class in my junior year of high school. I liked him until someone told him I liked him, and he responded not with flattery but rather with arrogance, at which point I abruptly hated him.

Archery Class Guy (ACG)—In the fall of 2002 at UT, we shared an archery class (duh), and he seemed to have a crush on me. I didn't act on it because I was dating the Republican. After the semester was over and I had dumped the Republican, I tracked down ACG, and we started hanging out. He still seemed interested, but then I found out he was older than he looked, lacked in common sense, and was a huge pothead. He met AD and privately made a couple of snide remarks to me about him. I'm extremely pleased with myself for not doing anything with him.

ARSE—Awkward Romantic/Sexual Encounters. Initially intended to describe horribly botched attempts on my part to flirt with guys, this section of the site now also encompasses awful exes, creepy coworkers, random idiots on the Internet who type with their elbows, and apocalyptically awful drunken voicemails I've received at three a.m.

Assistant Director (AD)—In the spring of 2004, I was the location sound mixer on a short film; he was the assistant director. We hated each other at first, though I secretly found him a bit cute. I yelled at him on set at one point; after that he sucked up to me, which terrified me.

Astronomer, the—In the fall of 2009, I met the Astronomer on OK Cupid. I actually preferred LD, but he didn't seem to like me. I went out with the Astronomer a couple of times and really thought we'd be together for a while, but alas, he was not interested. I gave up dating at that point, not counting a brief fling with a friend of his later (a story not worthy of ARSE).

Bartender, the—The Bartender worked in a bar near the theatre district in Houston when I lived there in the fall of 2006. I liked him because he was an atheist, plus he worked in theatre, but he wasn't interested and got a girlfriend not long after.

Boom Operator (BO)—With the sole exception of TCR, I have never been more mortified at my own behavior with a guy. In the fall of 2003, I was the sound recordist on a film, and he was a grip doubling as boom op. He flirted scandalously with me; I gave him my number; he bought me pizza; I called him a couple of times nagging him to call me back; he didn't; I found out he had a girlfriend; I could have killed him. Months later, he asked me for my number again. I smiled and handed over my number with a very "You know perfectly well you're not going to call me, you cheating asshole, stop filling your little black book" look.

Cherub, the—My very first botched crush. He was a sweet boy in my first grade class who blushed beet red when someone told him I liked him. And so it began.

[Kurt] Cobain-Looking Guy (CLG)—A fellow stagehand I met in the summer of 2007. He had Kurt Cobain's shoulder-length, dirty blond hair and jaw line. He also wore well-fitting jeans with holes in the knees. I was new and asked a lot of stupid questions, leading him to think me an idiot. I saw him months later and he ignored me. Months after that, I saw him again with his hair cut. He didn't recognize me (thank God) and did that "she's cute" double take. I secretly cheered but didn't act on it.

College History Class Guy (CHCG)—The guy who sat next to me in a history class I took in the spring semester of my junior year at UT. He and I rarely spoke because I never mustered the nerve to say anything. I briefly dated CP during that semester, dumped him, and continued crushing on CHCG. A couple of years later, FWB told me he'd actually been friends with CHCG years before. I hoped FWB could put me in touch with CHCG, but he could not.

Clown, the—A clown who made balloon animals in front of the candy store across from the kiosk where I worked in the winter of 2008–2009. We rarely spoke, but we watched each other working. I would get bored and write poetry. I barely restrained myself from giving him a poem I wrote about him.

College—Ages eighteen to twenty-one, from the fall of 2001 to the spring of 2005. I was not technically a student during all of this time, but it was too much trouble to create another section within ARSE labeled "that semester I took off to work full time before going back in the fall."

College Pothead (CP)—A fellow film student I worked with in the fall of 2003; we went on a few dates the following spring. He was a huge pothead who made sexist remarks and was late to every date. I'm retarded. I should have gone for CHCG instead. Oh well.

Doctor Who—During the winter of 2008–2009, while working with the LARPer and chasing the One That Got Away, but before I went out with PAG, I saw a ridiculously cute guy who looked and dressed exactly like David Tennant as Doctor Who. Got that? I assumed Doctor Who's outfit was a deliberate imitation and ran up to him excitedly blathering about the real Doctor Who, which he denied ever having heard of. Liar. . . . This definition could only be made more confusing if the clown witnessed the event described, which luckily I don't think he did.

Early Years, the—Everything before age eleven.

Electrician, the—We met in the summer of 2006. We were friends, I had a huge crush on him, and by the spring of 2007 he also seemed interested in more, which continued through the winter of 2007–2008. I fell hard for him, but he wouldn't answer my request to get tested, so after a lot of private heartbreak, I told him (in so many words) to fuck off. This roughly coincided with me beginning to fall for the One That Got Away, who knew I was interested in the Electrician but went for me anyway. Rather than being annoyed, I found this sweet. I wouldn't say the One That Got Away stole me from the Electrician since as I wasn't actually with the Electrician and also ended it with the Electrician independently of the One That Got Away.

Freckled One, the (FO)—One of my very first crushes, during second grade (1990-1991), FO and I spoke only a couple of times, which proved fortunate as I was not given time to make a fool of myself.

Friend With Benefits (FWB)—We met in the spring of 2002 when we shared a class at UT. We hung out regularly and talked online frequently, eventually becoming friends with benefits. More than a year later, he got involved with a pathologically jealous girl, who decided that the past couldn't stay buried and forbade him from speaking to me at all.

Gay-Sounding Squirrel Boy (GSSB)—He was in a class I took in the spring of 2004. I spent at least half the semester quietly ignoring him, trying to find him as annoying as everybody else did. One of my classmates described him as "that little gay-sounding squirrel boy." I cracked up and called him "Squirrel Boy" behind his back for the remainder of the semester, mostly in an effort to conceal my embarrassing crush on him. He turned out, against all odds, to have a girlfriend.

Green Sweatshirt Guy (GSG)—GSG was in my English class in my senior year of high school. I was dating the pathologically jealous Stalker at the time, so not so much as a friendship ever developed. On the one hand, we might have been good friends; on the other hand, he was a drug addict, so it might have been for the best.

Guy Who Looked Like the Writer (GWLLTW)—Obviously, GWLLTW looked like the Writer, which was especially inconvenient since I met him immediately upon breaking up with the Writer in the spring of 2007. GWLLTW turned out to be not only married but someone who outranked me at work, so nothing ever came of it.

High School—Ages fourteen to seventeen, from the fall of 1997 to the spring of 2001.

(High School) History Class Guy (HS)HCG—He was in my sophomore year history class (class of 1999), and I developed a huge crush on him. We spoke twice about nothing at all. In the summer of 2006, I found him on MySpace, and despite the neck beard he'd grown, I e-mailed him once or twice but received no response. Then I read his blogs, and I discovered to my horror that he was bipolar, off his meds, was religious, drove drunk, and suffered road rage. I don't know how much of that was true when we were in school; either way, it was a relief not to hear back from him.

High School Pothead (HSP)—We met in the spring of 2000 and remained friends through graduation. After dumping Stalker, I developed a crush on HSP, only to discover he had a girlfriend.

Idiot, the—I went on two dates with him in the summer of 2007. He couldn't spell, drove drunk, drove past my house unable to find it even though I was standing on the porch with the porch light on, and drunk dialed me at least once a week for the next six weeks following our second and last date. The text of his last voicemail is now my away message on instant messenger.

Jewelry Store Guy (JSG)—In the winter of 2008–2009, I worked in a calendar kiosk in the mall, and JSG worked in the jewelry store nearby. He found excuses to wander over and say hello, which disturbed me considerably since it transpired that JSG thought he'd gone to school with my dad. Ew.

Junior High School—Middle school, intermediate school, etc. Ages eleven to thirteen, from the fall of 1994 to the spring of 1997. Arguably the most socially awkward stage of my life, my junior high self pretty well fucked over my high school self.

LARPer—A LARPer I worked with during the winter of 2008–2009 at a seasonal job. He listened to me talk incessantly about the One That Got Away even as I began dating PAG. The LARPer talked incessantly to me about his crush on me, which I found disrespectful of my feelings for the One That Got Away and my dating PAG (even though that wasn't serious), not to mention even more disrespectful of his online girlfriend, the girl he asked out after he broke up with the online girlfriend, and the friend with benefits he got after the second girl didn't work out. Got that?

Movie Theatre Guy—He worked in a movie theatre the Stalker and I frequented in the summer of 2000. I nursed a small crush on him, but between my relationship, his drug addiction, and his disappearance on leaving the job, nothing ever came of it.

Naval Officer (NO)—He and I went to UT at the same time, talking a bit online in the fall of 2003. In the summer of 2006, we got back in touch, e-lewdness ensued, we never actually met as planned, and he finally got married.

Navy ROTC Guy (NROTCG)—In the spring of 2002, he sat down next to me and tried to get my number, I told him I was taken, and it turned out that he was also taken. Cheating bastard.

Nemesis, the—An obnoxious jock with whom I shared a truly bizarre relationship. This went on from circa fall of 1994 through probably the summer of 2005. We couldn't stand each other's presence yet couldn't seem to leave each other alone. Once he put his arm around me. I punched him. We were rather like Anne and Gilbert, or perhaps Lily and James or possibly even Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy but without the happy ending because the jerky guy didn't turn out to secretly be a sweetheart.

New Kid, the—There was a new kid in school toward the end of my senior year of high school in 2001. I suspected he liked me, but I thought he was an idiot. Besides, I was dating the Stalker at the time.

Passive Aggressive Guy (PAG)—I found him online in the summer of 2007 while looking for TCR. The following winter we spoke online, I got mad at him, we didn't talk again for a year, then we dated briefly in the winter of 2008–2009 while I was trying unsuccessfully to get over the One That Got Away. PAG had not changed his ways, I got mad at him again, we never spoke again, and then I finally got with the One That Got Away.

Ph.D. Candidate (PDC)—I met him online in the fall of 2007. He was a friend of the Professor's but with less social grace. He had mental problems (bipolar, if I recall) and also for occult reasons of his own felt it necessary to describe to me certain dreams he had featuring him and me in intimate contact, to which I invariably, very quickly, responded with some story about the One That Got Away.

Post College—Everything after college, from the spring of 2005 on. Easily the most awkward stories since by this time I was getting more into the S side of the ARSE.

Professor, the—We went on one date in the fall of 2007, and then he told me he wasn't actually interested and hadn't been. I maintained a crush on him for some time until I met the One That Got Away. Later, the Professor moved to Australia and specifically uninvited me to his going away party. Idiot.

Programmer, the—I saw the Programmer now and then when I was volunteering at KVRX as a student at UT. He seemed shy and looked interested, but we rarely spoke. Whenever I saw him, I was invariably not single. Besides, he was religious. He is currently engaged to an awful-looking cow of a woman, but I'm still glad he found someone.

Really Tall Guy (RTG)—We worked together at a seasonal job in the winter of 2006–2007. Everyone was convinced he had a crush on me. He had a girlfriend. I would have been more upset, but then I nearly got set up with SD.

Republican, the—He was what you would have expected to be my nemesis. We went out from the fall of 2001 to the spring of 2003. He was a conservative, religious Republican who actually worked on the Bush campaign. He tried to change everything about me. We broke up about eight times before I realized I was being retarded. He was the second guy to propose to me, meaning he used those words but not seriously. At first. Later he got more serious but rather scared me off.

Rich Filmmaker (RF), the—We knew each other by sight but never actually spoke. I knew of him by reputation as we worked on the same film in the fall of 2003 but not on the same days. —Oh God, that means he probably knew of me by reputation too. Crap. Well that probably explains (even more) why he didn't respond to either of my creepy e-mails.

Rich Kid (RK), the—He was the son of a local furniture store owner. I had a huge crush on him from third through fifth grade (fall of 1991 through spring of 1994); he didn't notice my existence. Fifteen years later, I found out he'd grown up to be a drug dealer and then started a company manufacturing ink to use for graffiti.

San Antonio Guy (SAG)—SAG creeped me the fuck out. I met him online in the spring of 2007, when I was dating the Writer. SAG hit on me persistently, not taking a hint when I said I wasn't interested and not caring that I was in a relationship. He also ignored my subsequent interest in TCR and the Professor. I emailed him to tell him to leave me alone, and he did, but not without sending two or three text messages sporadically in the months that followed, finally appearing to give up over a year after my last email.

Sound Designer (SD), the—He gave a guest lecture to one of my classes in the spring of 2004, when I was a junior at UT. He seemed interested when we talked, so I looked him up later and gave him a call. As it transpired, his girlfriend of five years was sitting next to him at the time. Oops.

Sound Engineer (SE), the—I met him in the fall of 2006. He seemed to hate me but then called me sweetheart. Weird. In the spring of 2007, right after I found out RTG had a girlfriend, a friend tried to set me up with SD only to discover that he was taken also. I got the fuck out before either SD or his girlfriend saw me or got my name.

Security Guard (SG)—I saw him online in the fall of 2007. I liked his pictures but then met him in real life and he didn't look quite the same. His driving scared me. Also, don't expect mall security to do a goddam thing. Seriously.

Smeghead, the—A guy who sat in front of me in seventh grade history (class of 1996) who probably had a crush on me but was too awkward to say anything about it. It was annoying because I liked him too, but then again, God only knows what my maladjusted twelve-year-old self would have done.

Shoe Store Manager (SSM)—In the winter of 2008–2009, I worked in a calendar kiosk in the mall. One end of the kiosk was located about ten feet away from the doors to a shoe store, the manager of which apparently decided he liked my ass and was going to try for me. As I was in love with the One That Got Away, this would never have happened anyway, but SSM was, besides being generally obnoxious, fifteen years older than I, had three girlfriends (all of whom were younger than I, two of whom were underage), and was a cocaine addict.

Science Teacher, the (ST)—In the late summer of 2009, I found ST on OK Cupid. Smart, cute, and with similar interests to mine, I mustered the nerve to email him. He replied, we talked for a bit, and then he disappeared on me.

Spanish Class Guy—Oh God. The Spanish Class Guy, obviously, was in my Spanish class in ninth grade. We had transparently obvious crushes on each other that neither did anything about, unless you count the appallingly embarrassing crap I scrawled in my journal after school every day. I was especially excited when I accidentally bumped into him in class once, leading to some especially embarrassing drivel in aforementioned journal; I've never embarrassed myself so much before or since with that kind of slop. I just about died laughing re-reading it years later, though, so I posted the whole thing in the story. Anyway, at least I learned not to let crushes lie, at least not completely.

Speech Class Guy—He was in my Speech class in my junior year of high school. Just as with the Algebra II Class Guy, somebody else spied me checking him out and told him as much, when I was within earshot. I died a thousand deaths. Unlike Algebra II Class Guy, though, Speech Class Guy was flattered and interested to hear it. Sadly, I moved to Austin shortly afterwards.

Stalker, the—first guy I ever dated, from April 28th, 2000 to some time in July 2001. It shames me to this day that I was in a relationship that long with someone that creepy. For what it's worth, it started off fine but grew progressively worse in the last three months. He was the first guy to propose to me. Needless to say, I did not accept.

Tall Guy, the—I went to junior high school and high school with the Tall Guy. A lot of girls had crushes on him, but I thought he was kind of a dick. I was content to ignore him; regrettably, the feeling was not mutual, and in my junior year I learned of an unflattering nickname he'd coined for me. I responded by spreading vicious rumors that I was going to bomb his house. He currently makes T-shirts for a living and thinks his giant sewing shears make him a badass. Too bad I don't have a photo of myself running the chainsaw or helping lift a subwoofer to send to him in sneering triumph.

TCR—For awkward reasons, I can't explain the acronym. I can't even explain why I can't explain it. Suffice it to say that we know a lot of the same people and inevitably met; I thought he was hitting on me; he turned out to be married. Oops. From a distance of greater than five hundred feet, he looked kind of like PAG.

V8—I met him at work in the summer of 2004, and we dated till the winter of 2004–2005. He was an epic loser second only to the Stalker. His nickname stems from the fact that he liked to stick the neck ends of bottles of V8 up his ass. Yup. Also, he was a moocher who expected me to cook for him all the time.

Wendy's Guy (WG)—I had a huge crush on a coworker at Wendy's in the spring of 2002, right after breaking up with the Republican. I got over it, but no one believed me, so for the following eight months until I got a new job, I had to put up with endless teasing. When I think I might have ended up with him instead of V8 . . . ah well.

Writer, the—In the spring of 2007, a friend of the Writer's drunkenly set us up the same night a different friend had tried to set me up with SD. Our relationship started off more than promisingly but fell apart without apparent cause after a couple of months. The next day, I met TCR. A week and a half later, the Electrician drunkenly propositioned me. The Writer was one of two or three guys before the One That Got Away I feel I truly loved, however short-lived it may have been.

Yellow Clown, the—Not to be confused with the Clown (whom I saw sometimes during the winter of 2008–2009), the Yellow Clown was a guy who hit on me during the spring of 2001, while I was dating the Stalker. I politely declined, later growing furious at the Stalker for acting as if I'd flirted with the Yellow Clown. I always wished I'd dumped the Stalker to go out with the Yellow Clown instead.