Dating Do's and Don'ts

I am by no means a dating expert. You have only to read my myriad disaster stories in this very section to understand that. I misinterpret innocent flirtations and botch dates regularly, and I have no clue how to approach guys I like, which is just as well since I like it when they approach me. You know how it is; men like to chase.

Having said that, it must be bad when I of all people start doling out dating advice. The following is a list of mistakes to avoid.

• For online dating:
  • No douchey profile photos. No bare chests, no photos of you being loud and drunk, nothing revealing too much skin, no MySpace angles (This is so easily disproven anyway), no old photos, no photos with too many other people/people of the opposite sex/people hotter than you (Trust me on this). And for God's sake don't pose like a damn blowfish; you look idiotic. Also with regard to photos, caption them decently. Don't label them "me!" when you're the only one there, and don't post really long captions that the site automatically truncates.
  • Do post several photos in different settings, but all displaying you as you actually, currently look. Make sure your hair looks good since a lot of people, myself included, are suckers for good hair. Also, men: Women almost always hate beards. Maybe a little stubble is sexy; otherwise, shave it off. We shave legs, pits, and unbelievably awkward areas; don't you dare bitch about having to shave your face. I'd rather shave my face than a bikini line any day.
  • Don't say you hate self summaries and/or can't be summed up. Shut up. You are not that original, and you can sum yourself up. By saying you hate summarizing yourself, all you tell the world is that you are not original enough to think of anything, however trite and terrible, to write.
  • Don't say you hate required questions or refuse to answer them in traditional methods. Again, you are not that fascinating. Refusing to answer the questions doesn't make you rebellious or creative; it just means nobody will find anything out about you other than you're superficial and self-absorbed.
  • Don't talk about how versatile you are—e.g., "I'm just as comfortable staying in wearing sweats as going out in a cocktail dress." Well, you had better be. Saying so just represents yourself as far too eager to please, not to mention far too unaware of what true versatility is. Instead, list a variety of interests and goals without going overboard or making it sound like you won't be around to do any dating. I'm certainly put off by guys whose ambitions don't include other people.
  • If you don't mention what you do for a living, I will not find you mysterious and intriguing and possibly rich; I will assume you are unemployed and broke. On that tack, don't say you're rich. Either you're lying, you're a fucking show off, or you're just going to meet gold diggers and then bitch about how shallow women are.
  • Don't talk about high school unless you are in high school. And if you are in high school, you aren't old enough to be on a dating site anyway. Besides, if you are still in school—high school, college, etc.—you shouldn't need to look online for dates since you're surrounded by a mix of the opposite sex every day. If you can't find anyone there, you won't online either. Improve yourself.
  • List your favorite films, music, books, TV shows, foods, etc. Not listing them, or insisting that your interests are too varied to be summed up, just makes you sound like a douchebag. And if you're worried about people not liking your taste—Hey, bad taste is better than none. And at least you'll meet people with the same interests.
  • Do not navel gaze. Don't mention basic survival needs in an attempt to philosophize. Nobody finds that cute, funny, or introspective at all.
  • On a related note, don't drone on about the sad state of the world without going out and doing anything about it.
  • Don't talk about sex. At all. Just don't. Don't even mention the word. There's no way to do that and not come off like a creep.
  • Don't keep your options sooo open that you sound completely desperate. When I see guys looking for girls in an age range of more than about ten years, I immediately think 'Wow, desperate much?'
  • Do not tell people to message you "if [they] want to." No shit. Also, even worse, never use the phrase "if you think you can handle me." You are not that interesting, and your life is not that intense. Unless you're a drug addict or mentally ill, in which case you should probably get off the website, seek help, and then get back on. With a better profile.
  • Don't act interested if you have no intention of ever dating the other person. Just say so up front, or at least let your emails trickle off.
  • Don't flood the other person's inbox with unanswered emails. Give them time to respond before messaging again. You can't have a one-sided correspondence; you just look desperate and/or uninterested in what the other person actually has to say since clearly you're just talking to yourself at that point.
  • Don't send hate mail to people who aren't interested in you. You shouldn't send hate mail anyway, of course, but doing so to people who weren't interested in you in the first place only makes you look even worse. You'll get a reputation for being a dick. Besides, seriously, grow the fuck up.
• Brush your goddam mother fucking teeth. And not just once a day; at least twice a day. How sad is it that I even have to mention this? Yet more than once, I have encountered guys who don't brush their teeth regularly. Your teeth don't have to be rotting out of your head to be disgusting. Little tip: Girls love a great smile. Second little tip: Girls don't kiss guys with bad breath. If a girl turns down a date, or disappears after one or two otherwise successful dates, consider your potential lack of kissable breath. It's definitely been a dealbreaker for me in the past.
• Always be on time for dates. Always. You had damn well better have an excuse for not being bang on time.
• Dress for the occasion, meaning make an effort without overdoing or (worse) underdoing it. Don't let your standards slide over time, either. I remember the Writer showed up wearing nice jeans and a polo shirt on our first date, and I appreciated the effort. The next date he dressed down a bit, which was fine, but then he kept dressing down until he turned up in wind pants (which have no place in anyone's closet anyway) and an old T-shirt. No. Read the Beauty and Style guide before ever leaving the house or posing for a photograph.
• Turn your goddam mother fucking phone off before a date. I once ended a first date halfway through because I caught the guy texting under the table. I'm not sure whether covert texting were worse than blatantly texting, but either way, it resulted in me immediately standing up and leaving. "It was nice meeting you; have a lovely evening with your phone."
• Don't dominate the conversation. Make sure you ask the other person questions about him/herself, such as family, education, work, pets, hobbies, friends, etc. You could also talk about topics in the news, sports (provided you're both fans!), movies, books, music, etc. Don't leave the other person feeling like a therapist, where you drone on for an hour about yourself.
• If it doesn't work out, leave it. Don't stalk. Don't email, don't call, don't "coincidentally" run into him/her if you can avoid it, don't check on him/her through friends, don't obsessively view his/her Facebook page, do not continually comment on his/her Facebook page, etc. Just disappear. Have some dignity. This applies every bit as much for lengthy relationships or people who only lasted a date or two.
• Don't smoke, do drugs, or drink excessively. Not cool.
• Guys: Shave. Girls: Same. Guys can get away with a little stubble if it grows in evenly, but otherwise facial hair pretty much always looks terrible. It's scratchy, plus women see beards and think "Charles Manson." Moustaches tend toward pedostaches, not class or maturity, so it's better to be safe than sorry and shave that shit off. Women should also shave. Don't let that standard slip over time. I can't stand prickly legs; it feels dirty and itchy. Besides, guys love the feeling of soft, smooth skin. It's what makes women women. Also, no guy appreciates being stabbed by leg stubble in his sleep.
• Don't stalk. Just don't. That means tracking them down online, driving past their houses, locating their phone numbers, researching their personal lives, etc. Everyone Internet stalks a little bit, arguably for your own safety so you don't wind up dating a creep, but for God's sake never let anyone know you do it.
• Never act interested if you aren't! Good Lord, the number of guys who've given every indication of interest—insane flirting, touching, collecting of phone numbers—and then turned out not to be interested or to have girlfriends—good grief. What the fuck is wrong with you people? If you're seing someone, mention it in a subtle way. If you're single but not interested, talk about a crush or something. Just drop a hint.
• If somebody you're interested in is taken or interested in someone else, back off. Nothing screams "trashy" like chasing a taken guy. And by the way, badmouthing someone's boyfriend or crush makes you desperate, pathetic, and completely un-dateable.
• Speaking of desperate, never actually call someone else desperate, etc. I don't care how true it is. It's completely disrespectful and tactless. Whether you want their attention or not, you could at least prove yourself worthy of it by not being a rude bitch.
• Have a sense of humor. Don't make jokes you know are bad. If the other person isn't laughing, don't try to be funny. Make a study of it and learn how to be witty. I did.