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Aron Koscho: I got hit on this weekend. Lauren Brown: Good for you. Aron Koscho: By a guy. Lauren Brown: Oh. —Wait what? Aron Koscho: Yeah. I was doing some errands around town, and I stopped at this Home Depot in Montrose, and this guy started very insistently hitting on me. He even wanted to take me home to meet his mom. Lauren Brown: Creepy. But why . . . ? I mean, I know I joke about you being gay, but seriously, you don't really look gay. . . . Not that gay, anyway. Aron Koscho: Well, I was wearing a rainbow-colored shirt. Lauren Brown (laughing): No wonder. It serves you right! Aron Koscho: But I wasn't thinking! Lauren Brown: Clearly. Aron Koscho (flustered): I forgot it was a gay community! Lauren Brown (laughing): You "forgot it was a gay community"?! Aron, not only is it not possible to forget that, but the fact that you owned a rainbow-colored shirt in the first place doomed you. Aron Koscho: . . . Lauren Brown: Oh, your latency is showing. Aron Koscho: (scowls) (Lauren and Aron are at Lauren's locker, talking after class as usual. Out of nowhere, Donald Hoy materializes behind her and puts his arm around her.) Donald Hoy: How's it going, babe? Lauren Brown: Get away from me! Donald Hoy (doesn't move, but blinks in confusion): What? Lauren Brown: Get the hell away from me! (takes a swing at his jaw. Donald leaves; Lauren turns back to Aron, who hasn't so much as blinked.) Well . . . That was interesting. Aron Koscho (shrugs): Okay. (They continue with their conversation as though nothing has happened.) (During Geometry class, Lauren is teasing Aron about his Montrose incident.) Lauren Brown: So what happened to that rainbow-colored shirt of yours, Aron? Haven't seen it around lately. (Aron glares.) . . . Hey. Twenty bucks if you wear red lipstick on the last day of school. Aron Koscho: What? Lauren Brown: I'll bet you. Twenty bucks says you won't do it. Aron Koscho: N— Wait, how much? Lauren Brown: Twenty bucks. If you wear bright red lipstick on the last day of school. Aron Koscho: Hmm. Lauren Brown: Tempting, isn't it? Aron Koscho: How long would I have to wear it? Lauren Brown: Oh, all day, of course. Aron Koscho: No! Lauren Brown: Okay, okay! We'll revise. Just for, say, during the Geometry final. Aron Koscho: Oh, well, that's all right then. Lauren Brown: Really?! Aron Koscho: Yeah. Cuz then I can go like this (sits with one hand over his mouth) all period. Lauren Brown: No, no, no! You can't cover your mouth. Aron Koscho: So not during the final then. Lauren Brown: Ohhhh! Fine. In the hall somewhere, then. Aron Koscho: Like in a stall in the restroom? Lauren Brown: No, not like in a stall in the restroom! Jesus. No, it has to be in public. Like in the middle of the main hall or something. Aron Koscho: No! Adam Bryer (looking up): What are you talking about? Lauren Brown: Oh, I was just betting him twenty bucks that he wouldn't wear bright red lipstick for even a few minutes in public. Adam Bryer: Wha . . . ? Man, I'd do that for twenty bucks. Aron Koscho: But how would you get it off? Adam Bryer: Well, you could kiss it off on her. (points at Lauren) Lauren Brown and Aron Koscho: Ew, no!! Adam Bryer (shrugs): But still. I'd do it for twenty bucks. Guy #1: What? Adam Bryer: Wear red lipstick in public. Just for a few minutes. I mean, twenty bucks. Guy #2: Twenty bucks? What? Guy #1: Would you wear bright red lipstick just for a few minutes in public for twenty bucks? Guy #2: Sure, why not? Guy #3: Yeah. Guy #4: Me, too. Lauren Brown (smirking at Aron, who glares): See? Aron Koscho: Oh . . . fine. But I get to pick the place. Lauren Brown: It has to be public! Aron Koscho: Yeah, yeah, it'll be public. Lauren Brown: On campus. Aron Koscho: Yeah. Lauren Brown: And definitely when there are people around. Like in a passing period, not at six in the morning before anyone's even here. Aron Koscho: Damn. . . . But before school is good, right? Lauren Brown: Sure. Okay. Till then. Last day of school, I will meet you at our usual place, and we will proceed to the place of your choosing—which had better by God not be behind a Dumpster or something (Aron looks disappointed)—and then you will have my twenty bucks, and I will have your dignity. Aron Koscho: Okay. . . . But hey. Lauren Brown: What? Aron Koscho: I feel a little guilty taking your money— Lauren Brown: That's strange; I don't feel the least bit bad about taking your dignity. Aron Koscho (glares): Um. Well, I feel less guilty now. Anyway, I was thinking, I have this old CD player that doesn't work anymore—I mean, it was broken and I fixed it—and I was wondering, maybe you could have it? So the twenty bucks could be like payment for it? Lauren Brown: But the lipstick would— Yeah, okay, sure. (to the classmates who've been listening) We've got a bet! (On the last day of school, Lauren and Aron are standing in an isolated area of campus where hardly anyone ever goes.) Lauren Brown: What in the fuck?! This is your public place? This isn't even public! Aron Koscho: It is too! Lauren Brown: It is not! Where's the public?! Aron Koscho: (squints and points at someone across the street) There. Lauren Brown (rolls eyes): Fine. Wait until the bell rings, so there are at least a few people around. Aron Koscho: But— Lauren Brown: Ack! Twenty bucks, sucka! No cheating! . . . Well, no more cheating, anyway. . . . Oh, by the way, I like the shirt. (Snickering, Lauren points at the bright red shirt Aron is wearing and obviously planning on using as a Kleenex.) Aron Koscho (sarcastic): Why'd you think I wore it? (The bell rings. Lauren pulls the lipstick out of her purse and hands it to Aron, who takes it and stares at it as if he doesn't want it.) Lauren Brown: Well, go on then. (Aron whimpers and starts to lift the tube to his mouth.) No, with your finger! I have to use that! Jebes. (Aron puts the lipstick on and stands in agony for the next several minutes while Lauren keeps time with her wristwatch in between bouts of derisive laughter.) Girl #1 (walking past): Oh my God, that guy's wearing lipstick! Girl #2: What? (sees Aron) . . . Oh my God! Lauren Brown: (cracks up) Aron Koscho: What? Lauren Brown (shakes head): Oh, nothing. Aron Koscho: Isn't the time up yet? Lauren Brown: No. Aron Koscho: It was. It was up like thirty seconds ago. Lauren Brown: It was not. Aron Koscho: I'm sure— Lauren Brown: No!— Okay, now. (Aron furiously wipes all the lipstick off on his shirt.) Lauren Brown (pulling a Kleenex out of her purse): So I guess you won't be needing this, then. (Aron glares. Lauren hands him the twenty bucks; he hands her the CD player in a plastic bag.) (later that day, in Geometry) Lauren Brown: I won the bet. Guy #5: What? He actually did it? Lauren Brown: Yeah. Look at the shell-shocked look on his face. Guy #6: Ha! Damn, I wish I could have seen it. Lauren Brown: I wish I'd had a camera. (And Lauren teases Aron mercilessly forever afterwards.) (during the infamous "Little Giants" incident at Klein High School. Lauren, Aron, and Vinh Pham are walking down the hall. Aron sees Chris Bloodworth and Rhett Hunt in front of them, gets a wicked gleam in his eye, and fails to resist the temptation to make a highly audible, tasteless joke.) Aron Koscho: Gee, it's too bad you're not a guy, Lauren, because then the nickname 'Little Giant' might have some real significance. Lauren Brown and Vinh Pham: Ha ha! Ew! (Chris and Rhett keep walking without so much as a backward glance, resulting in much derisive sniggering from the group behind them.) (during the infamous "Little Giants" incident at Klein High School) Aron Koscho: Hey, Little Giant. Lauren Brown: Aw, shut up. . . . Actually, I had a slightly unfortunate encounter with one of, uh, his friends earlier. Aron Koscho: Oh, yeah? Lauren Brown: Yeah. His friend Tanner Boyd was walking in front of me, and I almost didn't recognize him because his back was to me. Then he suddenly stopped and half-turned to get a drink of water. I wasn't expecting the sudden stop, and I accidentally stepped on his heel, mumbled an insincere "Sorry," and got the hell out. . . . Well, I mostly accidentally stepped on his heel; I don't suppose I had to step quite that hard. Aron Koscho: Ha! That sounds like something you'd do. Lauren Brown: It was something I did. (a soft drink has exploded in Jon's backpack, leaking out and spilling over the carpet. A janitor comes in and mops it up. Jon and Lauren watch, mildly disturbed, as the stain on the carpet disappears almost instantly.) Lauren Brown: That worked . . . entirely too well. Jon Sack: Yes, well, the crack water in the detergent helped. (Kevin McCall, Jon Sack, and Lauren Brown are plotting how to torture their Algebra II teacher that afternoon) Jon Sack: I'm going to see if I can get myself sent to the office today. Kevin McCall: (laughing) She's going to think we're conspiring against her! Lauren Brown: But we are conspiring against her. (while getting into Aron's truck) Lauren Brown: Hey, there's a dent in your door. Aron Koscho: Huh? Oh, that. Yeah, that's been there for a while. Lauren Brown: Oh, yeah? What happened? Aron Koscho: Oh, I don't know. Somebody dinged it in the parking lot when I was shopping someplace. Lauren Brown: Oh shit. And they didn't leave a note on the windshield or anything? Aron Koscho: Nope. Lauren Brown: Damn, that would piss me off, somebody did that to me. I mean, I probably wouldn't really care, but I'd like to think that they at least thought about it, had some consideration, y'know. Aron Koscho: Oh, yeah; definitely. (later that day, a loud crack! and the truck abruptly stops moving) Lauren Brown: What was that? . . . Aron, you hit something! Aron Koscho: Huh? Lauren Brown: That parked car right there! You hit it! Aron Koscho: (apathetic) Huh? Lauren Brown: Well, aren't you going to, you know, stop and get out and leave a note on the windshield and everything? Aron Koscho: (dismissively) Oh, it was only the bumper! (drives away) (during a discussion regarding the placing of explosives around someone's house as a malicious practical joke) Lauren Brown: Uh . . . I really don't think that would be such a good idea. Aron Koscho: Why not? Seriously, Lauren. What could happen? Lauren Brown: Well, we could both get restraining orders against us. (beat) Aron Koscho: (laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Knowing you, I should have known to expect an answer like that. Lauren Brown: (worrying about not being able to find a job) I don't know. All the people I talked to at the job fair said probably the best idea was to just move to LA, job or no. I wouldn't mind living in LA, since I know there are a lot of jobs there, but I can't afford to move without a job. It's a catch-22. Aron Koscho: Well, you know, I have a friend—Tim—who has a job out there, editing the news live. Lauren Brown: Yeah? Aron Koscho: Yeah. I could give him your contact info, and maybe he could look for something for you. I mean, I can't guarantee anything, but still. Lauren Brown: Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you! . . . Well, that's certainly brightened my day. It was really not going well at all. Aron Koscho: No? Lauren Brown: No. It started going downhill the moment I got on the bus. Aron Koscho: The bus? Lauren Brown: Yeah. Somebody threw up on the bus today. Aron Koscho: Good Lord. Lauren Brown: I mean, not while I was on it, thank God— Aron Koscho: —Yeah.— Lauren Brown: —But still. Pretty fuckin' nasty. I didn't really notice at first because apparently it was near the back of the bus, and I always sit really near the front of the bus since walking down those little narrow aisles with all my shit is really annoying, but yeah. My stop is the first stop, so the people who got on with me were the only other people on the bus. After a couple of minutes, they all got up and moved up near me, as far away from it as they could. I didn't realize what was going on until they started talking about it and complaining about it to the bus driver. They figured it was probably some homeless drunk or something who'd been riding the bus late last night. Aron Koscho: Most likely. Lauren Brown: But then the bus driver said that they cleaned out the buses every night. Aron Koscho: Suuure. Which was why it was already on the bus at the first stop. Lauren Brown: Exactly. The bus driver said that he'd made one trip already that day, early in the morning, before he changed to our route, but whatever. It didn't solve the problem that there was a goddam pile of puke on the bus. Thank God, it was a cold day, and I was wearing a scarf, so I rode all the way to campus with my scarf over my nose— Aron Koscho: Ha ha! Ew! Lauren Brown: —Shut up—and prayed that the other morons on the bus would stop fucking talking about the goddam puke already. Aron Koscho: I hate that. Lauren Brown: Yeah. So, anyway, it's been a weird day. Aron Koscho: To say the least. Lauren Brown: But hey, things are looking up now. If all goes well, I may even be getting a real job in LA and moving this summer. —Uh, provided you still feel like giving Tim my contact information after that puke story. Aron Koscho: (sarcastic) Oh, gee, Lauren. I don't know. Lauren Brown: I told [then boyfriend] Chris about Donald Hoy; I made it perfectly clear that we loathed each other, and he had the appalling nerve to suggest that he liked me. Ew! Aron Koscho: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah; he liked you; he had a huge crush on you; the whole school knew except you. He and Broc both liked you. They fought over you a couple of times. That time I fixed that security camera and when it came on they appeared on it beating up some freshman, that was actually about you. Oh, and that time Broc was masturbating in class, he was thinking about you. Lauren Brown: (laughs) Y'know, that's intensely disturbing. I think I'll tell Chris that. (a couple of weeks later) Lauren Brown: Well, I told Chris the whole thing minus the masturbation part since it was less believable . . . and he fucking believed me. Aron Koscho: What! Lauren Brown: Yeah. I mean I told him over the phone, but before I could get to the "Just kidding" part, the connection died, and by the time we'd reestablished contact, I'd completely forgotten about it. Then, the other day, I made some passing contemptuous remark about Donald, and Chris went, "Aw, but he liked you!" He was completely serious. I said, "Ew gross why did you say that what could possibly have made you think that Jesus God did I not already make it clear that we couldn't stand each other?" And he was like, "But . . . you told me . . . Aron said . . . " And I said, "Oh. That was a joke . . . duh." Oh, God, this relationship is so fucked. Aron Koscho: (laughs) Uh . . . I think you need to lose that one, Lauren. Lauren Brown: Yeah. (during an encounter with a dumb jock who'd gone to Klein High School and later worked behind a cash register at Kroger's) dumb jock: You're that dork from the small engine repair class who used to build that stupid shit, right? Aron Koscho: You're that dumbass who makes minimum wage at Kroger's, right? (beat) dumb jock: Yeah, well, what do you do? Aron Koscho: Fiber optics research and development. (leaves) (on his cel phone while driving to Lauren's house for the first time) Justin Hays: Okay, I'm driving down Clover Lane now. Which is your house? Lauren Brown: The one with the pine tree and the wild rose bushes at the end of the driveway. Right after the ludicrously over-landscaped place. Hang on, I'll go outside. . . . Okay, I'm standing at the end of the driveway now. Just look for me. Justin Hays: (slowing down as he approaches) Is this you? Lauren Brown: Yeah. Don't run over me. Justin Hays: (pretends to speed up and swerve) Like this? Lauren Brown: Just for that, I'm withdrawing my invitation. Go home. Justin Hays: (stopping and shutting off the engine) Too late. You're stuck with me now. Lauren Brown: Bitch. (hangs up) Aron Koscho: So, do you want to do anything for your birthday? (Justin thinks.) Aron Koscho: And don't say climbing . . . Justin Hays: Well, I've been thinking about deep water soloing in Malaysia . . . Aron Koscho: Okay. I'm getting you a Radio Shack soldering iron. Justin Hays: My camping trip got cut short. I was enjoying a beer when I heard this crackling sound and realized there was this huge brush fire going behind me. I'd seen someone smoking there a few minutes before, so that was probably why. I called 911 and packed up camp really fast. Since my campground was destroyed, I just went on home. Lauren Brown: (on the phone to Aron Koscho the next day) In case you're wondering why Justin's back in town a day early, it's because he got drunk and started a three-acre fire and had to skip town before the cops caught up with him. (during a "where are they now?" discussion about people who went to Klein High School) Lauren Brown: Oh, and I heard that somebody was the manager at a cel phone store . . . who was it . . . Ryan something . . . Ryan Hall? . . . No, no, he went to Cedar Park . . . . Carpenter! That's it, Ryan Carpenter! Aron Koscho: Oh, yeah, the comedian. Lauren Brown: Huh? Aron Koscho: The comedian. Lauren Brown: I didn't think he was very funny. Aron Koscho: He did. Lauren Brown: Oh. Aron Koscho: Justin masturbates left-handed. Lauren Brown: (to Justin) Really? Justin Hays: Yeah. Lauren Brown: Huh. Interesting. Justin has a left-handed cock. (about Aron's girlfriend) Orlando Holmes: She's a bitch. Justin Hays: Don't call her that. Orlando Holmes: Why not? Justin Hays: Just don't. Lauren Brown: Because the term "pussy whipped" is so much more accurate. Paul Ellis: So we're going to a special tasting at Spec's tonight for the new release of Dom Perignon. I feel so high class! Lauren Brown: I dare you to wear a Harley jacket and demand to know where the "real" booze is. Paul Ellis: I think it will be bad enough with me in my cargo jeans and T-shirt with all the hoity-toities. Lauren Brown: Oh. Then you can just demand cheap beer. Paul Ellis: Or chug the Dom and look for more? Lauren Brown: Ha ha—is this one those wine-tasting things where you're supposed to spit it out? Paul Ellis: Yeah, I'm always amused by the spitters. We drink it all (as long as it's not bleh). Lauren Brown: "Sir, you're supposed to spit it out." "Supposed to, but I ain't gonna." And then proceed to get sloshed and embarrass yourself by hitting on the proprietor's daughter. Paul Ellis: Hah! Sounds like a plan. . . . Well, I'm gonna have to see the daughter first. Lauren Brown: Serves you right if you end up in a motel room bed with a wedding band and a hangover and no idea what the hell happened after 5 pm today. Paul Ellis: This isn't Vegas, no midnight marriages. Lauren Brown: It could be done by 6 if you drink fast enough. Paul Ellis: It's at 6:30. Lauren Brown: Or early tomorrow morning if you're still going strong then. Paul Ellis: I have work! Lauren Brown: Not if you conduct yourself poorly enough tonight. (Matt, Kirston, and Lauren are watching TV. There's a clip of Hillary Clinton looking through a microscope.) Matt Herndon: What's she looking at? Kirston Otis: Her chances of winning. (Lauren is on the phone to her dad.) Matt Herndon: Hey, Lauren. Lauren Brown: (to her dad) Just a minute. (to Matt) Yeah? Matt Herndon: If I give you twenty bucks, will you look after Dixie for me while I'm gone? Lauren Brown: What? Where are you going? Matt Herndon: To Austin. There's a show tomorrow night. I'm leaving tonight; I'll be back Thursday night. So, if I give you twenty bucks, will you— Lauren Brown: I would have done it for fr— Okay. Where's her food? Matt Herndon: On top of the dresser. I'll show you. Lauren Brown: (follows Matt to his room) Goddammit! Did I just step in a puddle of Dixie piss?! Matt Herndon: What?! Goddammit! DIXIE! COME HERE! (begins shouting and swearing and cleaning) Lauren Brown: (abruptly realizes she's still on the phone to her dad and holds it up to her ear. Deafening silence. She begins to laugh hysterically, which promptly turns into a coughing fit, and she has to leave the house to recover—and wait for the chaos inside to die down.) Lauren Brown: One of my bosses is one of those idiots who thinks Obama's a Muslim. Kirston Otis: Awesome. Lauren Brown: Can I borrow one of your Obama shirts? Lauren Brown: I'm going to run some errands now. I'm going up to Fiesta to see about a job, and then I'm going to the post office and work and the bank. Later. Kirston Otis: Bye. (ten minutes later, Lauren walks back in) Kirston Otis: ? Lauren Brown: I haven't actually gone anywhere yet. The bus simply sped past me at the stop— Kirston Otis: (laughs) Lauren Brown: —so I thought I'd come home to drop off this empty mug and then try again at a slightly more visible stop. Bye. (two minutes later, Lauren walks back in again) Lauren Brown: It started raining. (grabs her trench coat and leaves) Lauren Brown: (noticing the missing porch light by the back door) What happened to the porch light? Jeff Brown: I took it down while I was working on the siding. Lauren Brown: I know, but where did it go? Jeff Brown: I've decided to replace it, actually. Lauren Brown: Oh? Jeff Brown: It was falling apart. Lauren Brown: You don't by any chance mean you took it apart wrong? Jeff Brown: It took itself apart. Lauren Brown: You had an accident, didn't you. Jeff Brown: Well . . . hammers and glass . . . Lauren Brown: Cat ears hats: good or bad? Chris Galloway: Hmm, let me think about that. . . . On you, good. Lauren Brown: Good. . . . But bad on who? Cat girls? BBWs? (I'm sorry for introducing either of those to the conversation, by the way.) Chris Galloway: Guys in cosplay. Lauren Brown: We're even. (during a discussion of guys who have viewed Lauren's OK Cupid profile) Lauren Brown: (roaring with derisive laughter while quoting someone's OK Cupid profile)"Recently I have been told I have a nice body, a nice smile, and asked if I work out... I am very athletic, I grin more than I smile and no I dont work out god just made me awsome so the ladies would have something nice to look at from across the room. For what its worth, different people notice different things so its really just a matter of what YOU *points finger* first noticed notice about me. Send me a message and tell me what you noticed... I have plenty of pics to check out!" I'm crying now. Brian Meixell: Oh, my . . . talk about cocky. Lauren Brown: (laughs) I was really hoping that was a parody profile. I mean who seriously talks like that? Holy shit. Brian Meixell: (laughs)Yeah, it's a bit much to be just joking; he makes it sound like he really thinks he's the shit. Lauren Brown: Take away the "the" in that remark and you'll have it. (after a discussion about Lauren's cute coworker) Chris Galloway: And now it's time for bed, stupid work thing and waking up so early. Lauren Brown: Alas. Fuck work. . . . *sigh* And the regrettable frowning upon the mixing of the two . . . oh well. Chris Galloway: (laughs) Lauren Brown: Um . . . well . . . yes. Good night. Brian Meixell: You just strike me as a very logical girl, which is unusual. Lauren Brown: I appreciate the compliment and resent the insult. Lauren Brown: (posts link to a video of a teenager lifting weights and failing) Brian Meixell: (laughs) Yeah, that one is great. Lauren Brown: Gotta wonder how that ever made it to the Internet. I have a thing in Bad Knitting on that; why do people post this shit? Brian Meixell: I think their siblings might do it in revenge. I can't imagine anyone posting stuff like that themselves. Lauren Brown: I mean my ARSE stories are plenty embarrassing, but I do it anyway because I know they're funny and there's plenty of self-deprecation; it's not like I post it thinking, "Gee I hope nobody laughs at that." Brian Meixell: Right. You have to wonder why he was filming in the first place. Lauren Brown: Thinking he was going to be some kind of badass and impress the chicks. Brian Meixell: (laughs) That video would have been just as embarassing. Sean-Michael Galgano: Life, liberty, and a heavy dose of Trent [Reznor]. Lauren Brown: That should be carved into the base of the Statue of Liberty. That is the pursuit of happiness right there. Robert Streiff: Man, I gotta get the fuck out of Arkansas. Lauren Brown: I told you it was gonna suck. Robert Streiff: No, seriously. A fight just broke out in the McDonalds. Lauren Brown: Haha—What could there possibly be to fight about in a McDonalds in the middle of the night? Robert Streiff: I don't know. I couldn't understand their hillbilly ebonics. . . . One of the guys just got his head slammed into the soda machine. Lauren Brown: . . . I think you should leave. Robert Streiff: Four squad cars just pulled up. [a few minutes later] One of the guys just got in his car and left. Way to go, Arkansas police. Lauren Brown: I think you should leave. You're probably the most suspicious-looking person left. Robert Streiff: You think I hadn't thought of that already? I split five minutes ago. (Lauren's friend Henry was moving to Australia. Lauren had just found out that Henry didn't want to talk to her anymore, and he tried to use his girlfriend as an excuse. This did not work.) Lauren Brown (ranting to Chris O'Quin): What a fucking immature tosser. Oh well; if there's any justice, his girlfriend will dump him for some awful AC/DC fanatic who looks like a parody of Crocodile Dundee. If Crocodile Dundee's knife is any kind of a metaphor, she'll be gone the second the plane lands. I hope she bounces like a kangaroo from one Aussie bed to another. (later) Lauren Brown (to Robert Peterson): HA! My friend Chris [O'Quin] says, "You are bad, but the better reason to stay your friend and not your enemy." This in response to what I said about Henry's girlfriend's future Acca Dacca croc hunting boyfriend. . . . God that made no sense. Robert Peterson: [laughs] Makes sense to me. Lauren Brown: It's making me laugh hysterically, which is probably sad, but it's the high point of the evening, which is sadder. |