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The other night I worked the load in for a Broadway show on the UT campus. I worked from two in the afternoon till midnight, which meant I arrived on campus when all the metered parking was still in effect but the buses weren't running when I left. Thusly I parked in a garage. When I left the theatre at midnight, I didn't expect to see anyone else in the garage. As I approached, though, I could see a couple inside embracing by a car (luckily not mine). I tried not to make noise as I entered the garage so as not to embarrass them, not that it mattered since the automatic cashier's station bleated its instructions in a cacaphonous, subsonic boom that nearly resonated the concrete pillars.
Anyway, upon payment (a minor spectacle involving three people telling me not to pay at the window but to instead use aforementioned monotoned monolith which was covered in suspect notes and had its volume control stuck at eleven, but that's another rant) and fighting with my purse to locate my keys, I turned around and again spied the young couple. They hadn't moved. It had been nearly five minutes since I first glimpsed them. I wondered briefly if the girl were all right— Could it be that the guy had murdered her and was waiting till I, a possible witness, left? That would explain the total lack of movement. I took the long way around to avoid directly passing them and covertly glanced at them again. I saw the girl move her face a little and decided she was safe. Boringly safe, which is worse than in trouble.
A couple of minutes later, I reached the exit where I thought I had parked and discovered that I had actually parked near the exit on the opposite side of the garage, meaning I had to walk around again. I looped around and again saw the young couple near the car. They were still kissing, but nothing else: They were locked in place like plastic dolls. I again briefly entertained the notion that something must be wrong with one of them. I mean, why else would you mimic statues during what should have been a hot make out session?
I reached my car, which embarrassingly was parked immediately across from them about half a level below, meaning I was afforded an inevitable view of the G-rated porn as I put my backpack away, attached my iPod to its adapter, got my garage ticket ready, and started the engine. As I pulled out of the garage, I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw they were still there, exactly as they had been. About fifteen minutes had passed since I first saw them from outside and when I turned onto the street.
How. Annoying. I mean, if you're going to put on a show, put on a show. Not even for my own voyeuristic purposes; I was more awkward about the whole thing than aroused, which was kind of the problem. It was too depressingly annoying to be hot. I mean, at least fifteen minutes' worth of kissing and nothing happened? For God's sake. By the time I left that garage, she should have been up against that car with her legs wrapped around him, hands roaming, hair ruined—but nothing. It was terrible.
And thusly we have the title of this rant. If you take nothing else from this story, remember this: During a make out session, do not stand still. Making out is supposed to be hot. Whether you go at it quickly or slowly, it should go somewhere. Thusly, I have decided to write a few rules for making out. Yes, this gets a bit smutty. Don't bitch; you clicked this link.
- You should start slowly. Yes, pouncing with a lot of passion can be hot, but only if it's leading to sex. Also, as a rule, if this is the first time you've made out with the person, moving slowly is a near-must. Besides, if you move slowly, not only do you avoid awkwardly bumping into each other, you also don't run the risk of looking like the guy who took me out on a date once and moved at ninety miles an hour to get me out of the car and walk me to the door and grabbed my head for the good night kiss rather than just letting it happen. So start by standing near each other, possibly wrapped up in each other's arms, with lots of gentle eye contact and a few caresses and such.
- Again with starting slowly, don't start with a French kiss, especially not if it's your first kiss. I remember a date I had with a guy who took me to see a show, then we got a drink, and then we ended up in a state park under the stars. While pointing out constellations, he kissed me—and tried to stick his tongue down my throat the instant his lips met mine. I pulled away instantly. It took a while before I let him kiss me again, and you can bet money he didn't move so fast that time.
- For God's sake, close your eyes when you kiss. It's creepy otherwise. Ugh, I remember when I was in high school, I was walking down the hall once and saw a couple kissing, and the guy had his eyes open, and he was checking me out over her shoulder. What a prick. So yeah, focus on the other person.
- Don't keep moving slowly. If you haven't moved your hands or anything after about ten seconds maximum, you're doomed. Wrap your arms around the other person. Stroke the back, cup the face, gently run your fingers through hair—taking care not to tangle it, etc.
- Provided you've brushed your teeth recently and didn't have garlic with dinner or anything, move on to French kissing. Again, this is something that can't be rushed. Tease by gently parting your lips or very gently running the tip of your tongue over their lips. Start gently and progress, remembering to back off to breathe and swallow and such.
- It's better to break kisses rather than hold them indefinitely. Give your lips a rest and breathe. Make eye contact and smile gently, run your fingers down the guy's chest, clasp her waist, whatever. Give them a meaningful once-over. Refrain from any crotch/ass/boob-grabbing if this is your first session with the person, otherwise, move on to that in the middle of a nice long kiss. Don't overdo it if you don't want it to lead to sex. Return to that slow pace you had at the beginning.
- Vary it by moving away from the lips occasionally. Kiss the cheek, neck, temples, or forehead; nibble the ear (be careful not to be too loud); kiss the inside of the wrist.
- Don't forget to talk, but only a little. Don't ruin the moment by babbling about unrelated topics or getting all giggly. The same guy who tried to ram his tongue down my throat on the first kiss also kept giggling during a make out session. I frowned and asked what was so funny, and he just shrugged. I thought he was an idiot. A little conversation could have done a lot of good there. Instead, I went home pissed and disillusioned. Having said that, even talking about making out can ruin it. I read some advice on this topic once where suggested comments for conversation included "Are you comfortable?", "This is amazing," and "Wow." "Wow"? Seriously? If somebody said "wow" to me during a make out session and it wasn't because I'd, I dunno, undone and removed his belt with one motion (ahem), I'd be annoyed. In other words, your lips should be otherwise occupied; don't worry about talking. If you're with someone you love, tell them that. Otherwise, it's safe to say almost anything you say during kissing is going to sound bad. At the very least, everything you say should be said softly and not abruptly.
- Once again, do not stand still. Move your bodies closer together. If you've made out previously with the person, now's the time to move on to more serious groping. Again, if you don't want it to lead to sex, stop and regroup from time to time.
- When it's time to wind down, start slowing everything down. Quit groping, gradually move farther apart, quit French kissing, and end up with just a quick kiss before moving on to whatever you were doing before making out—ending the date, leaving the house, cooking dinner, whatever.
Now. Bear in mind that this all applies only to making out. If you want it to lead to sex, it absolutely should be more passionate and with more groping and disrobing. But be it slow or fast, all making out should involve a fair amount of movement. Don't imitate statues. It's supposed to be interesting and fun and, above all, sexy. Involve more than just your lips. Involve your brain.
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