The Lawyer

The Lawyer, as described in ARSE, proved surprisingly socially inept for a guy who'd finished law school and made regular public appearances. You'd think someone with that much experience dealing with strangers would be better equipped to handle misunderstandings, but apparently skill with strangers doesn't extend to entanglements in one's love life.

I added the Lawyer on Facebook, and we talked occasionally. I met him at a show in Houston some weeks later, where he acted extremely interested in me, to my delight. He brushed my arm several times, hugged me twice, smiled at me a lot, and kept approaching me to talk. Most significantly, he was highly irritated when I had to leave in order to give my old roommate a ride. I figured we would make up for lost time the next time we met.

Alas, it was not to be. I kept in touch with the Lawyer via Facebook, but after three or four weeks, I mysteriously found myself unable to view his wall. I figured it was just a glitch and waited a few days for it to resolve itself. When it didn't, I emailed the Lawyer to tell him what was up and to apologize if I had somehow offended him. I received no reply, which worried me, but I reflected that possibly he never checked the email address I'd sent it to, especially since he was in the middle of law school finals. I didn't want to be a pest, especially if he really didn't want to talk to me, so I said nothing more and resolved to talk to him the next time I saw him.

Six weeks later, I met him again. I saw him outside as I approached the venue, and the second I saw his face, I knew my worst fears were about to come true. I greeted him cheerily and then, sotto voce, asked "Do you have a minute?"

"Uh, okay," he said, sounding extremely unwilling to comply. I retreated a few paces away from the others. I lowered my voice and asked him what was up with him blocking me off his Facebook wall. He squirmed for an answer and finally spat out that he got the impression that I was romantically interested, which he was not. I had gathered as much already, really, but I needed to hear it to know for sure.

At the end of the night, the Lawyer and I talked some more, mostly rehashing what we had already discussed. He told me he had a girlfriend. I was surprised, to say the least, since his Facebook status had always listed him as single, not to mention this girl had never attended his shows. I figured either he was lying, she was busy, or she just wasn't supportive. Whatever. I groused to myself that I would almost certainly make a better girlfriend than she would, but there was no use in pointing that out.

I asked the Lawyer to walk me to my car because a creepy guy in the bar had been bothering me, but he wouldn't. That clinched it. I was furious. I said nothing, of course, not wishing to stir up trouble and make the situation worse. We parted on awkward but friendly terms, although he did delete me off his Facebook. I'd rather expected that, though. Indeed, I would have preferred it if he'd done so in the first place.

I learned a lot from my dealing with the Lawyer. Mercifully, I learned primarily by bad example rather than by doing anything socially untoward here. I wish I'd kept the conversation shorter, but there wasn't much I could do about that. There is always a new mistake to be made, of course, but I do not think I will make this particular one again. I cannot control others' behavior, only my own. I never actually expressed interest in the Lawyer; I only reacted to how he behaved toward me.

1. If you are not single or not interested, do not display clear signs of interest toward someone else. If you are attracted to them, fine, but control how you react to them.
2. If you are not single or not interested, and you suspect someone else is interested in you, mention that you are not single or not interested. Just drop the phrase "my girlfriend"; that will give a clear hint without necessitating an awkward conversation.
3. If you suspect a friend is overly interested in you, deal with it. Don't block that person online without a word. Tell her you're not single; tell her you're interested in someone else; or don't react to the signs of interest. Ignoring problems doesn't solve them.
4. When someone sends you an email, tries to call you, etc.—Respond. That's common courtesy. It's especially important when the email regards a conflict between you two. As above, ignoring the problem will worsen it, not solve it.
5. When someone tries to talk to you about an awkward situation, deal with it. Don't brush her off, don't blame her for your behavior, and don't draw it out.
6. When a girl asks you to walk her to her car, you do it. It does not matter what the circumstances are or if you even like her. That's part of being a man: Protecting women. Especially if she says she's scared, which she shouldn't even have to do. Otherwise, you send a clear message that you disregard her safety, and you indicate that you lack a decent attitude toward women. Even a coworker who doesn't even like me has walked me to my car several times when I complained about a creep bothering me. When the Lawyer didn't walk me to my car, more than half a dozen passing guys shouted inappropriate remarks at me. So, no, I did not make it back to the car just fine. You don't have to get kidnapped or raped to get assaulted, you know. That wouldn't have happened had the Lawyer behaved better. No doubt he thought he was doing the right thing by his girlfriend, but what about the rest of the world? Besides, if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't care what the circumstances were; I'd want another girl to be safe.

All in all, my experience with the Lawyer taught me a lot about what not to do. I knew all of it before, really, but I never expected to encounter it in real life. I expected the Lawyer—especially since he had experience in dealing with strangers and awkward situations—to be more socially adept.

I thought about how the Lawyer treated me versus the way I would have preferred to be treated. I don't know when I will encounter a situation like that again—I hope never—but when I do, I'll be better prepared to handle it.