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My friend Chris and I, lamenting our lack of social skills, decided we'd had enough awkward social situations and bad dates. We wanted to better ourselves, but we weren't entirely sure how to begin. We decided to make a full-scale project out of it and dubbed it SAP, for Social Adeptness Project. Appropriately (or inappropriately) enough, we labeled ourselves saps. Of course, just creating a name for the project didn't get us anywhere. We began by compiling a list of words and deeds we deemed socially unacceptable, compiled mainly from other people's bad examples.
Now. Social adeptness has far less to do with yourself than it does with other people. Hence "social." Obviously your poise and presentation matter (see beauty, style, and dating tips), but not nearly as much as how you handle other people: how you react to them, how you talk to them, how you read them, and how you make them read you. Body language is an instinctive thing, but if you learn what a person's body is telling you, you can read their minds. You can also, with practice, modify your own body language to convey different messages to different people. Facial expression, eyes in particular, are the biggest indicator of a person's thoughts. A huge percentage of social adeptness has to do with body language. Watch animals: Cats telegraph their thoughts easily, and you can tell exactly what cats are thinking based on how they move, how they swish their tails, how they look at you, etc. People are much the same. If you want people to talk to you, look confident and relaxed. Stand up straight, hold your head up, and walk into a room as if you own the place. Make eye contact and smile. Don't bunch yourself up, shuffle around, and hide in the corner. Knowing this, I have also sometimes turned the situation around. When I don't want people to talk to me—say, when I go to a show and don't want guys hitting on me—I slink quietly into a room, avoid eye contact or even looking at other people, and look down. I had years of practice as a total mouse to know how effective that is. Assuming you do want to talk to people, though—It's as simple as that. Just talk to people. Walk up to them and say hi. Introduce yourself. Compliment them on something (something other than body parts, guys). Ask them a question—about something they're carrying, an article of clothing, an unusual hairstyle, etc. Pay attention to people: Nothing draws somebody in more than feeling as if they're riveting. You can practice online first, whether it's instant messenger, online dating, or Facebook. If you're nervous, practice on strangers at shows where it's easy to hide if it goes badly, not to mention you probably won't see that person again. Watch how other people interact, and take your cues from them. Like I said, it's all about body language. The story of the Lawyer is one such example of body language, together with a host of other problems with social ineptitude. The story is featured in ARSE of course, but I have rewritten the story to SAP specifications here.
Somewhat related to the story of the Lawyer is the story of the Unhappy Couple. That story involves mutual friends, and it also features examples on how not to deal with an awkward romantic situation.
One half of the unhappy couple also figures into the next story.
Somewhat related to dealing with Internet losers comes the story of the Blabbermouth. The Blabbermouth was a guy I met online who could never quite grasp that he had nothing to say and should just stop talking.
Related to people who don't know when to stop talking are guys who don't know when to stop hitting on girls:
By far the most classic example of social ineptitude, though, is the one and only batshit insane drama queen. I didn't handle that nearly as well as I might have—I should have ignored her completely, even when her antics escalated, but by that point I was worried about my old roommate's wellbeing since she was impersonating him online. I concluded that ignoring her wasn't working, and a direction confrontation was necessary. I really shouldn't have, in retrospect, but at least I did put an end to her antics.
I shared the details of the above story with several friends, all of whom expressed identical horror and aggravation at people's immaturity and melodramatics. One of them, regrettably but somewhat predictably, later turned out to be a complete hypocrite. The Gay Guy (I apologize for the nickname, but I couldn't think of anything else) was one of my best friends in high school. Over the years, he acted more and more peculiar.
The above stories all deal with social ineptitude. Read them as a "what not to do" guide. If you want a "what to do" guide, find yourself a role model of class and coolness and think to yourself "What would ___ do?" Take care not to emulate the other person, of course; you must be yourself. As with anything else, social adeptness takes practice. Realize that everyone is socially inept to an extent, and most people are too busy worrying about themselves to notice your own minor mistakes. It's the obvious stuff you want to watch out for. With practice, you can light up a room if you want to. |