The Unhappy Couple

Two friends of mine, one male and one female, had known each other for years. They began dating each other and were seemingly quite happy together. For the next few months, each posted lovey dovey notes on the other's Facebook page.

Unfortunately, passions swing both ways. Those who post their positive emotions and details of their blissful relationship online are also likely to post the reverse. Inevitably, a messy breakup occurred. She accused him of making out with another girl, which he denied.

The Facebook drama began at once. Each left nasty comments on the other's page. Each posted "Fuck you" on the other's page; he criticized her friends; she called him a moocher; etc. He left a lot of nasty comments on her photos, which one or the other soon deleted. I would try to talk to them both about other topics; each would immediately begin trashing the other. She told me he'd stuck his nose in my business by calling the Lawyer to warn him that I was at a show so the Lawyer would know not to attend. I suspected she was lying, but even if she weren't, it didn't matter much since the situation with the Lawyer would have ended the way it did regardless of outside meddling. It was water under the bridge; I wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, the unhappy couple continued bickering on Facebook. She deleted him off her page but added him again soon afterwards. They continued hurling insults at each other—name calling, insulting each other's appearance, and so on—but slowed down gradually.

I looked on, aghast. I couldn't believe adults would behave so childishly. I wondered if it were true what a friend of mine had said, that "since [Facebook]'s explosion and domination of social media, high school has gone well into our adult years." I had a feeling that those two probably would have behaved badly in any case.

I was never the type to post drama online anyway—even the ARSE section of this site is relatively drama-free—but watching the unhappy couple fight and insult each other reminded me of how not to behave at a relationship's end, as if my own experiences weren't enough. I typically disappear without a word after a relationship ends; I don't drag it out and insult him in public. ARSE might be considered an insult, of course, but it's intended as humorous and largely self-deprecating. Besides, I never mention anybody by name, and my exes and their friends don't read it anyway. The unhappy couple did the exact opposite.

The unhappy couple's breakup didn't teach me anything I didn't already know, but a refresher course never hurts. Their actions offered several lessons in social adeptness:

1. Don't post lovey dovey notes online to your significant other; they embarrass others and will only look that much worse should it end (especially if it ends badly).
2. Never insult people, particularly exes, online. Anything posted on the Internet never goes away. Besides, there is no way to flame somebody online and not look horrible. It doesn't matter who the injured party is; when you post childish insults, that makes you the loser.
3. Never trash an ex to a friend if it's not directly related to the conversation. It makes you sound bitter and unstable. Maybe you are, but there's no need to show it off.
4. No matter what's going on in your own relationship, don't project it onto other people's business. I.e., just because you just broke up with someone, that's no reason to interfere with someone else's happiness.
5. On that note, stay out of other people's relationships altogether. Giving careful advice (when asked) is one thing, but never meddle. Never get involved in a breakup.

I think, at a relationship's end, it's best to just disappear. Remain friendly if you can, but if it ended badly, by all means just disappear without any fuss. Certainly not with any public fuss. Whatever's going in the background, you shouldn't humiliate each other in public. You only wind up humiliating yourself.

Relationships are a minefield socially. As I've said before, you can have drama, or you can have dignity, but you can't have both.